[thin but not]

Ha! it's funny that i'm back on here again writing.

So a couple weeks ago i told my mom i have a eating problem right be before i went to the doctors, and to be honset she didn't give a damn. Telling me i'm just going through a stage. I was mad full on pissed that my own damn mother didn't care or beleieve me. It wasn't till the doctor whieghed me and i really saw what i was. for that one movement i wished what my mother said was really true. When my mum saw it she didn't saw a word.The doctor on the other hand told me i was a big idiot for going vegan and that i'm way underwhieght and should gain quite a few pounds. And while i did all the talking my mother just sat there with a look i couldn't take out of my head.

That whole way home she didn't talk ethier. Not till we got home and ask me if what i said was true. And for a movement i thought i should say no, but i blurded out a yes and she started crying. I felt like i was her biggest dissapointment. She told me it was alright and that i was beautiful and she find me help. Then went to her room. I fell to the floor scared of what just happened. I was scared of where she might send me to or worse what my dad might think. and i hated that tought of seeing two heartbroken parents faces in one day.

As you can tell my B-day didn't go so great cause my mum didn't tell dad till night time cause after gift opening and cake (which i didn't eat, and saw mum watching me not eating) she acted as if nothing had happen. When i was done crying and about to go to sleep i hard my mum crying and dad scearming and something was thrown. I felt even worse. I was about to cutt but ending up just banging my head agaisnt the wall. I wanted to die right then and there.

When i woke up the next morning my mum was sitting at my bed side and told me to get dressed with a fake smile across her face. When i came upstairs they took me the car and drove me to where they took Donna my sister. She had behavior problems. (she really just stole my dads' car and he sent her here.) McKay Dee behavior Center. I hated this place going here over the summer just to see my sister worn out face and talking to some crazed women who she thought was helping but in reality wasn't. It makes me think of death whenever i go there.

I was sent there by my parents. Taken to a room without a single word from my dad. As for my mum she just stood there with tears coming down her cheek. I was really alone this time. I sat there for a good four hours. Or so i thought. I was taken in to see some men i never met ask me how i was. Which was funny cause i bet he never gets a "I'm doing great today! thanks for asking" kind of answer. After a few dumb questions he ask why i was here. After i told him he ask why i felt as if i had to do this kind of thing to myself to feel skinny or pretty and it really got me thinking.

I really didn't feel prety at all. I felt like some gross "being". And i don't even know why. i guess i'm this way cause some boy said i was fat or i wouldn't eat cause of what my parents did to my sister. i just don't know. Yet. But as for the rest of my "i really rather forget" vist at McKay Dee behavior Center went ok. I mean i got use to it. But when i went home my mum and dad acted as if they missed me so much thinking i was some kind of new person or something. I mean ya i still have to goto thrapy and we have a meal plan but they really thought i was ok.

It went back to normal or the way it used to be when they didn't know. They didn't really talk to me about why i did it or ask if it was their flaut they just went with the flow. And it enraged me. I started to feel hate towards them. Even tho i had these feelings i didn't want to see their faces like that again. Most of all the look my dad gave me when they dropped me off. Disowned is what it looked like. I eat three meals and two snacks in between. and i felt like a PIG!! i didn't likie my belly being full or even with food in it. i really want to throw up right now its driving me crazy. Right now i hate my parents for the way their acting and this feeling of being a big fat pig. I don't want to feel this way but i do.

I just want to know if this feeling well go away... The i hate parents and throwing up feeling cause right now it all i'm feeling

[nowords]

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