Past Sexual Abuse Random Thoughts

so like last week i had a nightmare about one or my past sexual abusers. His name was Mickey and he was one of my babysitters sons. he was a year older than me and he use to take me behind his grage and make me take my pants off bend over and rub himself on me infront of his two younger sisters. he would do it aleast four times in the day when i would be there and i was there alot for a few years. hed just rub and grunt and i have such a vivid dream about it and the part that made it the worst was that i woke up slightly horny. and its disusts me. That when i dream about or thing about the abuse that i had that it turns me on.
I have two cousins that are not even a year younger than me and they would have full blown sex with me from four years old until i was sixteen. can you believe that he would fuck me at sixteen and i was to much of a coward to tell my parents my friends. I thought i was pregnant a few times but am i so horrid that when he would come over i would want it. not all the time but i did. iam a monster to want to have that. and now i cant even have sex with my wife. I cant even finger myself because i think of how discusting i am for wanting the things they did.i dont know how to deal with it or how to get past it. I say that i am okay and i feel okay but when it comes to sex and it come to something penetrating me i get so scared and i want to cay and i tense us but iam wet and i want it but i physically cant do it.

whats wrong with me? I let so many different people sexually do things to me my whole life but i can sleep with my wife. And i want sex all the time iam horny all the time. the smallest things set me off.

iam jumping all over in my thoughts but i lost my varginity when i was four. My two cuzs slept with me until sixteen. Mickey did his thing from 5 until 8.In first grade i let a boy put his hand in my pants and play with me everyday in class. i dont remember his namebut i remember his face and his blonde hair. than again in high school another boy stuck his hand in my pants and i actually went to the office and told and my parents came and let the boy go didnt press charges didnt anything i had to see him everyday and i had his friends beat me up all the time for telling on him.But ive never been raped so i dont know why its so hard for me to have sex. I know i want it i want it badly but i cant. what is wrong with me what do i do?

I know its alot and its so jumbled but i need some help some advice. please

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Past Sexual Abuse Random Thoughts Iam just going to rant and let things out

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